In many Chinese-Filipino (Chinoy) families, being the eldest isn’t just a birth order, it’s a lifelong role, often accompanied by high expectations, unspoken sacrifices, and deep-rooted psychological conditioning. The Atsi (eldest daughter) and Ahia (eldest son) are frequently placed on a pedestal of responsibility, expected to lead by example, support their siblings, and uphold the family name.

The Hidden Struggles of Eldest Chinoy Children

But behind the façade of strength and reliability, many eldest Chinoy children struggle with emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and identity conflicts that they rarely express. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as “The Eldest Child Syndrome”, where firstborns unconsciously develop traits such as perfectionism, hyper-responsibility, and people-pleasing tendencies, often at the cost of their own well-being.

What makes Atsi and Ahia different from other firstborns in other cultures? And how does this unspoken psychological burden shape their lives?

The Psychological Blueprint of an Atsi & Ahia

Birth order theory, pioneered by Alfred Adler, suggests that eldest children tend to be more responsible, achievement-oriented, and anxious about failure, a pattern reinforced by their upbringing. In Chinoy families, however, these traits are amplified by Confucian values such as filial piety (孝 / xiào), which emphasizes obedience and duty to family.

This creates a psychological blueprint that many Atsi and Ahia unconsciously follow:

1. The Pressure to Be the “Perfect Child”

Many eldest Chinoy children internalize perfectionism from a young age. They are expected to set an example for their younger siblings, excel in academics, and later on, succeed in their careers. Parents may not always express these expectations outright, but they manifest in subtle ways. It shows through excessive praise for achievements, criticism for minor failures, and comparisons to peers or relatives.

Psychological Impact: Perfectionism can lead to chronic anxiety, imposter syndrome, and an inability to accept failure. Many eldest children become overachievers but feel emotionally exhausted from constantly striving for validation.

1. The “Second Parent” Syndrome

In many Chinoy households, the eldest child is expected to take on a caretaking role. Often times, they have to help younger siblings with schoolwork, mediating family conflicts, or even assuming financial responsibility later in life. This creates a form of parentification, where the Atsi or Ahia takes on adult-like responsibilities at an early age.

Psychological Impact: Parentified children often develop hyper-independence and difficulty asking for help. They may also experience burnout or resentment toward their role but suppress these feelings to maintain family harmony.

1. The Fear of Disappointing the Family

The Chinoy concept of success is often tied to family reputation, financial stability, and traditional career paths (business, medicine, law, etc.). Many Atsi and Ahia feel obligated to choose careers that align with their parents’ expectations rather than their own passions. Even personal choices when it comes to dating, marriage, and moving out. These concepts are influenced by the fear of disappointing their family.

Psychological Impact: Eldest children often develop people-pleasing tendencies, struggling to set boundaries or make independent life decisions. This can lead to identity crises, feelings of guilt, and difficulty asserting personal needs.

The Hidden Emotional Toll of Being the Eldest

Because they are conditioned to be strong and dependable, many Atsi and Ahia struggle with unspoken emotional burdens that they rarely share with others. Common psychological struggles include:

Anxiety & Overthinking – A constant fear of making mistakes or failing expectations.
Guilt Complex – Feeling responsible for family problems or younger siblings’ struggles.
Emotional Suppression – Difficulty expressing vulnerability due to the expectation of being “the strong one.”
Burnout & Exhaustion – Feeling mentally drained from balancing personal and family obligations.
Identity Struggles – A sense of confusion about who they are outside of their family roles.

Ironically, even though many Atsi and Ahia are perceived as high-functioning and capable, they often suffer in silence because they believe that expressing weakness would burden their family.

Breaking the Cycle: How Atsi & Ahia Can Prioritize Their Mental Well-Being

Breaking free from the psychological pressures of being the eldest doesn’t mean neglecting family responsibilities. It means finding a healthy balance between duty and self-care.

1. Redefining Success on Your Own Terms

Success is not just about academic and career achievements; it’s about personal fulfillment and happiness. Atsi and Ahia should allow themselves to explore their own interests and aspirations without guilt.

1. Learning to Set Boundaries

It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to ask for help. Eldest children should recognize that they don’t have to carry everything alone. Setting healthy boundaries with family can prevent burnout and create space for personal growth.

1. Practicing Self-Compassion

Perfection is an impossible standard. Instead of being overly critical of themselves, eldest Chinoy children should practice self-compassion, acknowledging that they are doing their best. Seeking therapy or counseling can also be a helpful tool in unlearning unhealthy thought patterns.

1. Communicating with Family

Many parents and siblings may not fully understand the pressure an Atsi or Ahia experiences. Having honest conversations about expectations and emotional well-being can help bridge gaps and create a more supportive family dynamic.

Final Thoughts

The role of an Atsi or Ahia is deeply embedded in Chinoy family culture, shaped by tradition, expectations, and unspoken rules. While being the eldest child comes with its rewards such as, leadership skills, resilience, and a strong sense of responsibility. It also carries a psychological burden that many struggle with in silence.

Understanding these hidden struggles is the first step toward healing. By acknowledging their own needs, setting boundaries, and redefining success, eldest Chinoy children can break free from unhealthy expectations and create a life that honors both their family and their own happiness.

Because at the end of the day, even the strongest pillars deserve to be supported. 

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